The Screwball Letter
by JoeMerl
Summary: A certain moronic paranormal investigator sends his nephew an e-mail about the business, and why he shouldn't trust that "Dib" kid. Humorous one-shot, can be read alone or with "Dib in the PITS."


Hello _IZ _fanfiction readers! This is just a little something I wrote as a little spin-off of my story "Dib in the PITS," but which can be read by anyone, since the OC mentioned is only the recipient of the letter. This is just meant to be silly, and I hope it succeeds. Hope you enjoy!

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**To: **jackfreakout(at)aol .com

**From: **Codenamebill(at)fbi.gov

**Subject: **RE: EUGH!

Dear Codename: Jack,

First of all, let me congratulate you on being smart and sending your last letter via the Internet, and not relying on that zombie postman of yours. But next time, try not to use AOL. That's _America _Online, remember. You want to avoid letting the government know too much about your dealings. I work with the government; I should know. Believe me, the presidentman is **not** as human as he may appear!

Let me also congratulate you on thinking to write in your code name. Like I said last time we talked, it is **imperative **that you keep your real name a secret. Remember, all it takes is one fairy to hear your real name, and blamo! You're down in their underground sugar mines, harvesting precious powder to help them in their massive mind-control plot to overtake mankind. That's probably what happened to your brother, though of course your parents are still trusting the "police" to find Nick--as if they had any idea how to handle fairies, with their "lead" bullets, totally unaware that nothing but sauerkraut can do any good! Now you know I love your mother dearly, but she was always so close-minded, even when we were kids--stopped believing in fairies by the time we were in hi skool. (Incidentally, please tell her to stop buying those little cookies with the chocolate frosting on one side; I'm almost positive that brand is part of the fairies' plan. I'd tell her myself but she still has all my e-mails blocked, and you know the risks of using the phone line. There's a reason Gray's contribution is being covered up, and one day I will find out what!)

I'm glad to hear that you've decided to follow me into a career in paranormal investigation. You always were a smart one. Now, I won't lie to you, son--this isn't an easy job, or a safe one. You put your life on the line everyday, risking exposure to radioactive space ghosts and vampire gopher-men. Nor is it highly appreciated by all the so-called "scientists" or "police officers" or "mental health professionals" out there, working together to keep the truth from the masses. But it is a noble profession. And it has great dental (which has helped me quite a bit against Cocofang, let me tell you).

However, proud as I am of you, Jack, I'm not sure if you're going the right way about getting into the paranormal business. I say this because of this "Dib" kid you mentioned--I've met him before, and you shouldn't trust him for a second, let me tell you. Bona fide skeptic through and through--stopped me from getting my hands on Cocofang once and pulled that public coverup of the Chickenfoot conspiracy singlehandedly. He's a smart and dangerous kid. Why, from what I've heard he's even Professor Membrane's son, and I cannot tell you how much of a fool _that _man is, with his "real science" and "laws of physics" baloney. As for this "Big Eye" club he's a part of, or whatever it is, I'll bet they're another CIA cover group trying to undermine the paranormal community from the inside. His "alien kid" is just another Bigfoot lie all over again, designed to fool you! Turn your back on this Dib kid for a second, and the next thing you know your toenails will be **gone,** stolen to power their nefarious electrical energy grid! Don't be fooled!

Anyway, thanks for your concern, but my werewolf burns are healing nicely, so I'm not too concerned; luckily only their earwax can actually infect you. Sorry to rush, but I have to go--supervisor's coming over. Give your parents my love.

Sincerely,  
Codename: Uncle Bill

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I don't actually know if it ever says what Bill's exact job was, but I decided on FBI. Why not? He's in the lunatic, "waste of government money" department along with Agents Mulder and Scully.

Anyway, yes; several "PITS" readers correctly identified Bill as Jack's paranormal investigator uncle. Good for you! Have some virtual cookies. And more virtual cookies to those who can figure out the pun in this story's title. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this little nonsense, and please leave a review! Reviews are _nice._


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